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What do you think of my prologue (Constructive criticism)?
Coffee rippled out of the silver cup’s edge and lapsed onto documents of paper. The spiraling hot steam pounded into Natsumi’s face as she propelled out of her desk. The green velvet padded chair clunked with the bumpy concrete ground. Soundly now, Natsumi motioned herself to the window, neglecting the desk. The windows were obviously stained with age. Natsumi believed that unlatching it opened subject for remorse and darkness. The star just outside the planet’s atmosphere, Firelight, was almost always spoiled by with a mist of tan and red-ish clouds or fog. Enviously, there was something to mourn about that star. It brought life but no color. Prominently on the window ledge, Natsumi knew of a single rose curled with one bud toward the star, promised with more than a stem in an ordinary glass bottle. No evident petal, however, bloomed from the origin stem. Still, with the coffee mug in Natsumi’s hand, she poured the remains into the bottled plant. Water quickly diffused as the cloud of grayness dispersed. “You’ll thank me later,” She thought of her doing as a profound thing to do, and she then mustered the stemming leaves into her flat held hand.“This is a desert waste if you ask me.” Natsumi’s skirt flounced, sitting along the window edge among the young adult rose. Her knees fancied tightly up to her chest as she brought her chin down to rest among them. silver across borders She started to shift in her seat and find a comfortable position in her many fabrics of clothing. She wore a black corset, neatly ribboned with a small yellow bow at the top center. The corset was border lined with strips of white and buttoned with lime green buttons. Underneath the corset, a shoulder-less and ruffled dress bounced above her knees; the color was slightly greener than the lime green buttoning; the sleeves on it were short and slightly puffed, similar to a ball gown’s sleeve design. Underlying the dress, shorts the same color as the corset were trimmed with a gold color, matching its trimming with to her boots that rose to her knees and gloves that came past her elbows. Lastly was a massive white bow that tied at the root end of her demon tail. It neared a black near dark silver shade as well as her fox shaped ears perched atop the skull of her head. For demons quartered and living in the Eastern Hemisphere, resembling outfits were worn. Green marked followers of the tyrant. Suddenly, a remorseful hum riveted off of Natsumi’s tongue, out of beat and lacking tune. Staring out at the desert exterior, orange and placid in rock and mountainous hills, she compelled herself to glance at another space, her desk. The dripping coffee made a clear, lucid beat in her mind, reversing her soft tune to something more playful. She brought her head a little higher to a piece of paper concealed between the half open drawer and dripping coffee. Natsumi lowered and leveled her knees off the ledge. Her boots made strides on concrete, clicking and almost rejoicing the sound of a platform heal. Natsumi’s hum faded to nothing when the paper sticking out slipped into her hands.“A map,” She muttered with utmost curiosity. Abruptly, she rolled it to the form of a scroll and tucked it underneath her shoulder. Her forearm suddenly cleared the way of soggy papers on her desk as well as liquid. Natsumi grabbed the scrolled map and intensely stamped it to the desk’s surface. Both ends came open while she studied the contents of the map.“The Western Hemisphere…” She whispered , full of shock that it was overlooked. Her eyes circled one location on the map, and as immediately she spotted what she was looking for. She found a red marker in the cup holder nearby and uncapped it. She specifically held the paper and marked a vertical line across it, then quickly another line, but horizontal. Some strands of her short hair fell in front of the map while she began to write bold capital letters. They read as followed: TARGET.“Of course, before the only forest; that’s the only place I’d hide something before. Now only to get though its traps….” The Western hemisphere’s capital of Planet Tarra had been circled around and around again.Sorry for any & all mispellings plus gramatical errors.And thanks in advance! I appreciate you helping me trying to improve
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{ 1 comment }
first off, i would like to correct you on your grammar.”Jack Summerfield sauntered out of his bed, unable to sleep from the two cups of coffee he sipped in front of the TV before he placed his head (at the pillow).” – should be “on” the pillowsecond, wrong usage of words”He smiled with his check bones pressing against his eyes, opened his arms as if hugging the sky, and jogged forward.” – i’m positively sure you mean “cheek” bones.lastly, the plot seems kind of odd. if jack was so happy that he finally was a daddy, how come he was so willing to die? sure they had problems, seeing as how he hasn’t seen his wife in 3 weeks, but was it enough to decide that it wasn’t worth living anymore? please explain the weapon the assassin was using as well, i don’t see how it works.
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